"...'Cause I've got a chance for a sweet, sane life..."
Today is of those days where "my heart swings" it didn't start like that, I swear! Now I have tools and methods, my own Heimlich* maneuver if you will.
The song's title is a play on the Heimlich Maneuver and an allusion to the book White Noise by Don DeLillo.
The wave and then the weight, it comes out of nowhere. For example, just a thought or memory of my Dad and I can just start weeping. I know I am hormonal (thanks, menstrual cycle..turning 40 etc.) but honestly, this is just an emotion that hits my heart randomly without warning. I do a much better job these days; after lots of CBT, prescriptions and self-medicating, to know not to go down the 'rabbit hole of sadness' but there are some moments when that space seems so familiar that I just want to crawl in it and stay there forever.
...I AM THE LION, I DO NOT FIT IN THE RABBIT HOLE ANYMORE...
These feelings can hit anyone, grief isn't the only trigger but it sure is mine. I've lost some pillars in my life aside from my Dad; my Canadian grandparents, Aunt Bertha and too many friends and missed opportunities for better relationships - with family and lovers - but it is what it is. I know lots of other people feel the void in their chest and man, that sort of distress can be exhausting.
This is not a call for help, nor do I have time to take on anyone else's issues these days. Finding inner strength and nurturing acceptance are my key resources...understanding how I can influence my own space is vital, I suggest everyone to do the same.
"...Well I've got a plan with forward in my eyes..."
Had a nice slow wake up today starting at around 10:3o until I farted and worried that the chips I ate the night before were going to come out soft serve. That made me bolt to the washroom and once relieved, I was able to relax for a quick wake'n'bake.
I needed to get to Club M4 for 1pm to meet up with BagelHot as he had agreed to take some photos of a rope suspension demonstration I'd been promoting.
My truck has been in the shop at my local Active Green + Ross on Islington Avenue since I slid into a curb on the evening of December 22nd so my boss picked up me up to take me into work to get things rolling with the shooting of the demo.
Was pretty cool day as a matter of fact, good turnout at the event and then hit up IKEA where there was a black and white photo of four women in roller skates in a black frame in the 'AS IS' section. I should have taken a photo. Sigh.
And now, am babysitting for the rest of the night.
And I still don't regret eating that bag of chips last night.
BY THE BY...when I talk about my other job...I work at a bar/nightclub, but not your run of the mill joint. It's lifestyle venue, as in an on-premise club. Still don't understand? It's a sex club, a place for swingers created by swingers. I know "swingers" has an odd stigma to it, so for other terminology that might sit better with you let's try...non-monogamy, or polyamory. In a nutshell? It's a club like any other that you would go to except if you wanna fuck you can do that there. You don't need to go home and you won't get kicked out for indecency!
I'll get deeper into this particular topic another time...
I'm endeavouring to create an audio/visual-based autobiography starting with a focus on the last ten years. I started playing roller derby in 2007 and it's been an integral part of my growth as a person and as an entrepreneur. A lot of life changing events came at me along the way and I'd like to review it while sharing the experiences "publicly" along the way.
I've also a podcast underway, it may not be a professional set-up but I think a very fun project to attempt during these winter months.
I have a personal goal to write daily and I look forward to the challenge!
Other 2018 Goals
I have some fairly big news to share…
After three successful years running a brick and mortar roller skating lifestyle and culture boutique in the Village of Parkdale I have decided not to renew my lease which expires on Thursday, July 31.
Why? Well, I believe in signs... like Ace of Base once sang…(*ahem* anyways)...one of the big factors is that I have been able to provide affordable recreational and roller derby starter skates through a Canadian manufacturer. However, Dominion Skate Company is now closing its doors after almost 70 years. That means I would have to pull the majority of my quad-based stock from other sources which would mean my customers would start to see prices increase dramatically.
Certainly everyone knows the overheads are not low in the city of Toronto but having a physical location has served as an excellent incubator for my business. It sort of became a destination point for skaters of all kinds. It has also given me a scope on how much it would really take for me to focus my efforts on the regrowth of the Toronto roller skating scene. One of the things I recognised is the lack of knowledge, information, or awareness about the existing communities even amongst themselves. In order to bridge these gaps I feel that I need to make a shift in my business.
Folks would come into my store and be taken back in time, so many nostalgic memories and tales of times at local roller rinks. Other than consistently educating people about modern day flat track roller derby, many of my conversations focused on the inaccessibility to facilities that would be appropriate for roller skating.
I have been able to get people involved with roller derby and direct individuals to places where they CAN roller skate depending on their demographic. I've been so appreciative of the great feedback about my services or in hearing how meeting me has inspired someone to get on roller skates and give it a try.
Now it is time for change wherein I can make more time to travel and participate in roller derby bouts. Also give further attention to the roller skating association I founded known as the West End Waywards. Taking myself out of a fixed address will allow me to connect on a different level and enable me to dedicate more time to advocating the need for access to suitable facilities in the City of Toronto.
Am very excited about the changes I am making in ‘My Roll Life’. As I am a sole proprietor registered under that business name I have the freedom to evolve MY business model, because HEY that’s me! So instead of visiting me in Parkdale, you’ll be able to catch up with me online here, where I intend to blog the evolution of My Roll Life on the regular.
In the meantime, the shop will shift over to an online format and I will be posting my whereabouts for opportunities to get some deals in person while I downsize my current arrangement. I have a couple of twitter accounts, Facebook stuff, a newsletter mailing list that will be getting some love very soon and many other ways for y’all to stay connected with me as I roll in a different direction with My Roll Life.
Rolling forward and out!